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[06 Oct 2007|10:02am] |
this summer i feel like i found out who i hope to become. alex coming into my life was sitcom-timing perfect. the music we are playing is beyong what i could have possibly comprehended before california, at ft reno mentioning offhandedly to waleed that we should play music. thank god i ended up at ft reno that crazy night. now that i think about it, i barely ran into annie and sam on the metro, otherwise there might have been no band. no alex. but in all honesty, despite those major advances in my life, i would still be furfulled. i would be able to handle the loss of either, even both. before california, i wouldnt have been able to stand alone. knowing that, is all i really need to know now.
last night he wrote down 11 days. i pretended not to know what he was talking about. but i cant beleive i found someone who actually cares about a one month. im falling for him so bad.
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[02 Jul 2007|09:13am] |
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i saw two deer on my run yesterday. one jumped over the path about 15 feet in front of me. the other was drinking from the stream i was running with. it was an odd confrontation - i was 1% of civilization in 99% nature. it was quite beautiful.
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[03 Jun 2007|05:41pm] |
i get really depressed when i browse the internet for too long. i miss my old friendships. joe is dead, and thats all i can really say. im back to old habits which is satisfying.
june 9-11: beach trip
june 13th: feist
june 16th: prom
june 18th: opening day at ft reno
june 20th: fuck school
summer's almost here, rip joe, i could use more show weekends.
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[27 May 2007|08:34am] |
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mood |
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i dont use this much anymore, except to post some writing when im working on it both at school and home, but i had a moment that i had to express, you know.
last night was incredible. only three of my friends showed up to my house. despite that i knew they all had weekends previously planned or just dont like shows, it just hammered in what ive been feeling lately but havent been able to pinpoint. i dont feel like i belong with my friends at hb alot of the time... there are moments when ill catch myself doing something that i would never do, like singing alot to avril's whiney new song or gossiping. but i dont want to be lonely, and its a great skill, learning how to befriend people no matter what. as long as there soul is in the right place, its not about what they listen to, or what they like to do on the weekends. it sounds corny but when i think about it, i cant express it any other way. thats the reason why i have different groups of friends. to cater to the different aspects of my personality. and last night i got to see ficken and marisa again, two people ive missed like hell, specifically ficken. i lost a good best friend in him recently, just because we live fucking 45 minutes away from each other and are both too whacked out most of the time to pick up a phone.
what im trying to say is music is my thing - i love it. i will always trade in a show weekend for a party, for prom, for anything. but hb is my love, and im becoming a better person because of it. ive changed so much in the past couple of weeks, and im really fucking liking wherever it is im going. all i hope is that california will be as an amazing experience as living in arlington is, right now.
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[10 May 2007|07:56am] |
The snow danced around her head but didn’t settle. It just kept drifting and drifting…
“I know what you want,” she smiled at me. “I know what you want. I know what you want.” She kept repeating it over and over and the snow kept drifting and drifting and the same people kept walking by, no one was new anymore, nothing surprised me and she kept smiling and nothing was flawed.
“I know what you want,” she started to sigh it, as if she was waiting for me to ask because saying it put her in pain but she was under a curse of repeating, and repeating, and repeating, and repeating. “I know what you want! I know what you want!” She was close enough I could kiss her, I could kiss those bloody lips full of five word sentences and I could grab her by the hips and put a hand over her mouth and shut her up. I was close enough to take a pillow and muffle her until she would say “I ow hut voo int” and then she would shake and struggle and the snow would finally fall and cover her and no one would ask questions. No one would know because she didn’t exist. This snow didn’t exist. Did I exist? I tried to ask her but nothing came out. I started speaking in Arabic. I started speaking French. Anything I tried to say was misunderstood and I kept going in circles. It got so bad that I started to sweat - I was sweating in the below freezing weather and the snow still wouldn’t fall. It wasn’t coming and it wasn’t going. I had to say it, I had to give in. “What do I want then! What do I want?!”
She changed her smile by one degree, and blinked her eyes for the first time, causing a pile of snow that had built up on her eyelashes to fall into my hand. “Well that’s just it now isn’t it,” and that mystery of a woman just gave me that same year old flawless smile and disappeared again. None of it was new. I hated every familiar inch of it.
I woke up and sighed. I could feel the stick between my sheets. I grudgingly tore off the top layer and threw it on the floor. It can be washed later. It was still only 6 and today was my day off. I threw a good amount of angry words into the still air of my apartment until I felt better and then somewhere between then and when I woke up again, I fell back asleep.
Tuesdays were my day off. At least, that was what I told myself when I put on two extra shirts and a hat and boots I only wore for shows and bad weather. And that was what I told myself when I stuck change into my guitar case to get people going. And that was what I told myself for the next 5 hours, playing guitar and singing ridiculous holiday songs and smiling at tourists and little kids when they played in a quarter, and playing a special song dedicated to each person who gave me bills. I also told myself that I was a sellout, a lousy sellout and that I would’ve beaten myself up had I run into my pathetic state a few years ago. And I told myself that today would be the last, that I would cash in the rest of the change to buy and amp and hook up my rusty electric and stop fooling myself. This is what I did every Tuesday on my day off.
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[03 Apr 2007|08:20pm] |
que pasa que pasa the little bird sang
how low how low will the teenagers hang
when the sun comes morning and pokes your head
will you be dead?
thats what they said
feel good feel good the piggies lie
porque porque why do you cry
but when you open your eyes and nothing is there
will you be scared?
the membranes will tear
libertad libertad the mushrooms take
relax relax the sensiblilities fake
crop circles forming in every backyard
it's on holiday cards
ignoring it's hard
drop out drop out the city thinks
para ti para ti for you they will drink
someday all of our feelings will cease
think about peace
the urge will decrease
derecha derecha the compass points
up north up north is where i left my joints
will you walk there to pick up my leftover legs
I'll sit here and beg
birthing chocolate eggs
psst psst the woodpecker hums
quieres quieres the malcontent drums
when you're swimming do you realize that you're being torn
down the beach in a storm
the sea won't stay warm
arriba y arriba the glowbugs go
reach up reach up the children know
when you felt your mother holding back tears
did you cover your ears
could you still hear the cheers
make up make up the socialites groan
piensa piensa the teachers moan
when the fog comes up will you admit you're blind
you'll just blame your mind
it all takes time
tratamos tratamos the hippies urge
imagine imagine the war victims purge
you were looking for imaginary friends
in all corners and ends
theres only the bends
now now the politicians scream
despues despues the crazies really mean
they'll drain the water when your skin shrivels up
sadpaper cuts
and half empty cups
resistan resistan the millions speak
which sheet which sheet are you tye-dying bleak
you can get a sweet shot for a buck or two
it'll turn you blue
we've learned to make do
stop love stop love the virgins roar
queremos queremos another war
buy cratepaper to decorate graveyards in flight
you'll become part of the night
the life's alright
millones millones by the millions dead
lie down lie down let it seep through the bed
when you're old and leafing through the history books
how does it look
with everything shook
don't speak don't speak the dead limbs say
todo todo the big bombs pray
when the airplanes roar and we hide in our graves
I want to be saved
all of us crave
carrera carrera the runners run
bare feet bare feet in the bloody sun
are you ready for the ultimate sin
start giving in
electricity wins
supress them surpress them the TV tells
seguimos seguimos the riot fell
and your brother with his brick in his heavy hand
and your lonely band
voices sifting through sand
cual tierra cual tierra the holy man asks
good price good price the titans mask
you show me mine and I'll show you yours
it seeps through your pores
don't save the whores
a play a play the poets dream
mas vino mas vino the rich will cream
as the world is a stage and you break off wood
fires are good
it's lost in what would
tiempo tiempo the church bells chime
how long how long will the policemen dine
when they were sitting there biting your hair
you just took it and stared
you weren't taught to care
don't ask don't ask the dead spies creep
!Dios Dios! the altar boys weep
when abandonment is the only way out
it's okay to doubt
when you keep to the route
negro y blanco the photos show
red grass red grass the lawnmowers mow
as we pick up our family tree
do you love me?
you did on TV
father father how do you feel
madre madre my skin won't peel
I'm sheltered but the weatherman threatens to snow
where do dead leaves go
where does hatred grow
entren entren the snickers laugh
location location the college kids graph
don't get stuck analyzing the lies
eat too much pie
get fat and then die
revenge revenge the witches brew
vamos vamos on the sailors crew
underground is the new cool place to be
don't you want to be free
aren't you angry?
oro oro the chemists breath
more profit more profit the buisnessmen thieve
the corner crack dealer has been kind of dry
are you willing to try
a new type of high?
so tired so tired the kettle squeaks
pero pero but why do clouds leak
a pantsuit will flatter your high cheek bones
as you answer the phones
communicate in safe zones
que paso que paso the children sigh
you look you look ready to die
and your mind is a sponge soaked with spit
was it all worth the hit?
it's just what you get
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[08 Feb 2007|05:30pm] |
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I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore. I at least know that my few friends on here don't, but that's ok. I'm going to just start posting my writing up here, a place to keep it organized, a place that won't be lost. It's interesting to consider that if our Mother Earth suffers any type of mass destruction (weather it be natural or human made) we will leave together two civilizations. Sometimes I wonder, which would be easier to find? Would they consider our buildings, our paved streets and our millions of underground pipings to be natural? After all, technically, its all straight from our friend, the Periodic Table. What I'm saying is, that would the internet exist, would it be possible to disconnect all wires to it, any connection between the cyber world and the real world broken, and then, find it again. Or is it like Neverland - once you leave you can't go back?
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[26 Jan 2007|12:11am] |
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Will there always be this struggle - this conflict between who I once was, and who I am now? Can they ever like each other, can they ever agree? Simply, no. What I've recently learned is that if I continue defining myself on how I used to think, then I'm being unfair. I deserve a critisism, not from a mind that is lost with age, but with a fresh outlook, the one I create daily. I'll never be happy if I keep focusing on The Way It Used To Be and how The Old Me would feel about The New Me. If only it were this easy, though, to say A + B = C and nothing else. Oh how I miss the OLD DAYZ.
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[28 Sep 2006|03:21pm] |
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hey, so im going to spain :D :D :D
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[25 Sep 2006|03:50pm] |
facebook is the dumbest peice of shit ever. i refuse to check my account again.
myspace is equally as lame, but at least i can make mine pretty.
fuck off.
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[05 Jul 2006|10:07pm] |
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enthralled |
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hahahaha. Friends Only.
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